Modern women may be sexually liberated, but are they satisfied? To me, being a sex goddess means you know how to enjoy sex for the pleasure of your own body and that you own your sexuality.
I am surprised by how many women who seem sexually open and free whisper to me at workshops and send me private messages that they don’t enjoy sex as much as they pretend.
I’ve found that a lot of women are not very tapped into what it means to have an orgasm, and that most think that orgasms only have to do with sex. Learning how to tap into the orgasm can help set fire to all other aspects of life, including better sleep, more creativity, more pleasure, a stronger sex drive and healing trauma.
Modern women are at work, they’re on their computer, they’re taking care of the kids – and they become very disconnected from feeling in their bodies. Below are five reasons women aren’t orgasmic, how they can reconnect with their bodies, and three tantra secrets to achieve full body orgasm and truly awaken your inner sex goddess!
1. Body Shame – If you aren’t comfortable in your own skin, it will be difficult to uninhibit yourself enough to discover what unlocks your pleasure. I’ve found that body shame is often the elephant in the room with women. We all have our best angles, we all like to be seen in a certain light (selfies!). But what happens when the clothes come off?
I have a friend who asked my son, “What do you think when a girl takes off her padded bra and you see what size her breasts really are?” He laughed and said, “You women don’t get it, we are just happy to see breasts!” Let go of self-criticism and enjoy your body, or else your partner won’t be able to enjoy your body.
Practice self-love, try touching yourself and finding out what feels good. Even something as simple as a self-breast massage can help unlock the parts of the body that are shut down. Massaging the breasts also releases oxytocin, “the love hormone.”
2. No Desire – Running on Fumes. When you are too tired from stress of work and modern living to have desire for sex and connection. Often times, it is our own excuses about our bodies and sex drive that keep us from experiencing desire. My hairdresser is always telling m she is exhausted and overworked, but she doesn’t carve out the time to do something that will giver her more positive energy, like yoga.
You can’t be a lazy lover! If you want to feel good, you have to put some energy into it! Simply putting effort into pleasing yourself, and cutting out the negative self-talk about getting “turned on” can relax you into a state of desire. Stop being addicted to stress and make time to take a yoga class so that you can relax and recharge and feel your sensuality again.
3. Slut Shaming – Women have been programmed into thinking there are “Good Girls” and “Bad Girls,” so they repress their sexual appetite. Caught between opposites, they constantly have a script running in their heads, subconsciously informing many decisions.
Much like how learning how to eat good food can teach you to appreciate other aspects of your life, having a healthy attitude towards your sexuality can help you explore sex from a place of true self-love, and translate this self-love into greater happiness in your life. Tearing apart false ideas about what it means to be a “slut”, and explore what authentically feels good for you.
4. Daddy Issues – Fear of abandonment by men leads women to get frozen in control issues and inability to be vulnerable and let go. Our first patterns of learning to love come from our parents. These unfulfilled desires to feel loved or protected will carry into our relationships.
Many women seek the proverbial “knight in shining armor” who will sweep them up and protect them, but it’s important to find the hero within yourself and realize that men are people too, with their own issues.
“Who is going to pick me up, protect me, not abandon me?”
The answer is, you are. Save yourself, the prince isn’t coming. Be the sensual queen you are meant to be.
5. Unorgasmic Wife Syndrome – Epidemic of new mothers feeling overwhelmed and shut down sexually or wives feeling sex is a chore they are being forced to perform for their husbands.
Sometimes it’s easier to just shut down and habitually withhold sex because of a lack of energy and lowered sex drive after childbirth. It is possible to regain your sex drive after childbirth, but it may take effort, just like getting your body fitness back. By getting more in touch with your body and making sex a pleasurable experience, sex can be a shared activity with your partner that will improve your relationship, and probably ease a lot other tensions that don’t need to be there.
How can you have a Full Body Orgasm?
Orgasmic Triggers for Women
Men and women are wired different sexually. Every man is guaranteed an orgasm, but of course women are not. Women need to learn what their “orgasmic triggers” are, and how to “push the right buttons” for sex to be enjoyable and as pleasurable as possible.
You have “orgasmic triggers,”—places in your body with more nerve endings and more pleasure response. Once you learn how to activate those and have orgasms alone, you will be able to teach your partner how to bring you pleasure.
Two key orgasmic triggers for women are the nipples and the clitoris. Here are three specific ways to practice masturbating that will improve your sexual experiences both on your own and with partners.
1) Tease yourself: orgasmic breast massage technique
Nipples release oxytocin, a powerful hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter to the brain for bonding and connection. For women, oxytocin is greatly stimulated during sex and breastfeeding. Stimulating your nipples with an orgasmic breast massage will release surges of oxytocin and help you relax and create the right hormonal environment in your body for pleasure and orgasm. This technique has been 90 percent effective with women I have worked with who had never been able to orgasm before.
Practice Foreplay with yourself by flipping the script- try NOT to have an orgasm. The clitoris has at least 8,000 nerve endings- compared to the penis, which has around 4,000. Breathe deep and learn to discover the touch that turns you on the most. The longer you tease yourself, the more dopamine you release in anticipation of the climax. Breathe deep, climax is not the goal, relaxation into waves of pleasure is the goal.
3) Jade egg or dildo practice for penetration
To learn to relax so that sex is not painful, you should prepare the vaginal wall with penetration. Use a dildo or a “jade egg”. Start by using a lubricant like coconut oil and slowly breath and relax until penetration is no longer painful. You can start with a smaller size diameter and graduate to larger size over time as you practice.
The real secret to being a sex goddess is finding true self-love. This deep understanding of your body, emotions and pleasure will bring you confidence in the bedroom and beyond.
Contributed by Psalm Isadora, Sex & Relationship Expert and Star of “Cougar Club”
Photo credit: Nina Duncan